Feeling better…

So, I’m feeling better today, well a little…..

I had breakfast/lunch with an old boyfriend and well, it was interesting….

Regardless of me not seeing him in a year, it seems, well, or so he says; he still loves me…..

Now, my problem, I don’t love him and never did but I’m so lonely and this might actually be exactly what I need… someone to help me get through the next few months; I just want someone to hang out with, someone to talk to, watch movies with and go out with on a Saturday night instead of troopsing about with my friends and all their partners…

Well, the lunch/breakfast itself was strange, we talked alot, mostly about his life, how he has started medical school, how his father died last year (which I didn’t know anything about), how he himself feels lost without me in his life..hmmm.. I don’t know to be honest what he was thinking, we had a brief brief fling that consisted of a few days, it meant really nothing to me, we had been friends before but well there was never that ‘spark’……

We are heading out again tomorrow for dinner then to the movies – I shall let you know how it goes :S

Don’t know if I even want to go but hey, got to keep my chin up right!

My father or not?

So Father’s Day is this Sunday…………….Father’s Day started in the late 20th Century to complement Mother’s Day. It is supposed to be a day where we give gifts to our fathers and thank them for all that they have done…….well, truthfully……I don’t think my father has done much for me.

When I was just 18 months old, my father walked out on my mother, he left my mother for a woman half his age who was a colleague. As a young girl my father figure was my grandfather, and my grandfather made all the decisions regarding; what time I had to be home by? whether I was allowed to dye my hair or not and lots of other things.

Every father’s day, all my life, I present presented my grandfather with a father’s day card and a gift. It felt only right since he has   had raised me and he had been the only father figure I had ever known. (*crying-I just realised I wrote this all in present tense-my grandfather passed away in 2001…r.i.p nanda)

I saw my own father one or twice a week as a child but when I was 9, I found my mother crying in the bedroom and when I asked her what was wrong; her reply was. ‘your father got married’. She has read about my father’s wedding in the paper. As a child, I was always mature for my age, I realised that what he had done was wrong, he didn’t even tell me? What kind of man would not tell his own daughter that he was getting married? I reacted badly, broke down, sobbed for weeks and for two years refused to go and visit him.

When I finally did go and see him, I had so much anger inside me that I found it hard to talk to him.

Now, as an adult, our relationship is much stronger, but I still have that anger deep down inside, I don’t think it will ever go away, but as every father’s day comes around, I know I have to buy him something, and it is truly terrible that I don’t even know what to buy my own father – and that is because I do not know him.

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

Today, my grandmother’s aunt was burried. Her husband returned home to find her sitting upright in her chair, cup of tea on the side table, glasses on and one eye open, one eye closed – a massive heart attack, they said.
She was a truly wonderful woman. I remember as a little girl visiting her regularly and how she used to plait my hair and how her cups of tea were truly disgusting! How that when she gave me orange juice I used to go into the bathroom and pour it down the drain because it was just so strong! So yeah, I’m back to feeling low and miserable and my little head is working overtime… It is so much worse when you don’t have someone to talk to about how your feeling. I suppose this blog is getting more and more like an online journal than anything else, but it helps me so much. I find that for the first time in a long time, I can truly be; open and honest. I can say exactly what I’m feeling and no-one will judge me. I know that I should talk to my friends and family but sometimes it is just easier to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, like I’ve always done..

Why do we subject ourselves to hurt? Why do we suffer?  Why are people taken from us?  Why, why why? God I have so many whys!

I wish someone could give me an answer these questions.

Do you believe in Karma?

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

There aren’t many religious terms that enter our lives in a non-religious manner every day. Your girlfriend may talk about being “sinful” when she treats herself to a fried chicken sandwich, or about “the devil” when walking by a chocolate shop.

“Karma- We use the word “karma” when, say, one leaves his fast-food tray on the table against the protests of his companions, only to fall on his derriere when he slips on the wet floor on his way out. The idea that “what goes around, comes around” is easy to grasp, and leaves an impression on many a witness to its occurrence.

Karma – do you believe in it ?

I’m just a girl……

I’m having a mid-life crisis, or at least, that’s what it feel like….

Does everyone go through this type of stuff in their mid-20’s?

I’m petrified of dying single, I have random thoughts running through my head constantly….when will my parents die? Are they proud of me? Have I done enough or should I have taken a different path? Is this the career I want?

I recently heard this song and basically it summed me up to a T.

Love it, truly, it is on my itunes 24/7 and on repeat!

Taylor Swift – A place in this world

I don’t know what I want, so don’t ask me
cause I’m still trying to figure it out
don’t know what’s down this road, I’m just walking
trying to see through the rain coming down
even though I’m not the only one
who feels the way I do.

I’m alone, On my own, and that’s all I know
Oh I’ll be strong, I’ll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I’m just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
and I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve
feeling lucky today, got the sunshine.
could you tell me what more do I need
and tomorrow’s just a mystery, oh yeah
but that’s ok

maybe I’m just a girl on a mission
but I’m ready to blow..

I’m alone, On my own, and that’s all I know
Oh I’ll be strong, I’ll be wrong, oh but life goes on
OH I’m alone, On my own, and that’s all I know
Oh I’m just a girl, trying to find a place in this world

Oh I’m just a girl,
Oh I’m just a girl
Oh I’m just a girl

To Marry or Not To Marry?

In the UK and in other parts of the world marriage is arguably losing its appeal claim many social scientists, and indeed many tabloids. With divorce ever on the increase – with statistics showing one out of every three marriages end in divorce, the institution of marriage as a religious and legal bond may be considered outdated in today’s society. Co-habitation is no longer unacceptable, indeed it is commonplace among the youth of today, and illegitimacy no longer carries such a social stigma. But is a stable family environment dependent on a marital bond – or more appropriately, if not dependent is it improved?

Living in the Middle East, I know that co-habiting is NOT acceptable and that marriage is very very important, still in this day and age…

Personally, I hope I do get married, but I can see why people don’t…

In the UK, what difference does it make? One side to look at is the fact that if you don’t get married you end up getting more benefits, or so it seems……….. ha, sorry that really makes me laugh…

Should Porn Be Banned?

At the moment, pornographic material showing adults over the age of 16 or 18 (depending on which country) is legal. Child pornography is entirely illegal at the moment and hopefully will stay that way. Should pornography depicting adults be available to adults, or be banned completely? What is meant by ‘pornography’ – does the term include books, magazines, pictures, the Internet?

We aspire to live in a country free of censorship in all its form; free speech is an ideal we cherish. Censorship is only deployed when free speech becomes offensive to others. This is not the case with pornography, as it is filmed legally by consenting adults for consenting adults, and thus offends no-one. Pornography, contrary to what the Proposition have argued, neither injures nor offends anyone, and is a legitimate tool to stimulate our feelings and emotions in much the same way as music, art or literature does.

Pornography debases human interactions by eliminating love, laughter and all other emotions, and reducing them to the crudely sexual. Sex is an important factor in relationships – the proposition are not prudes – but by no stretch of the mark is it the be all and end all of them. Pornography also debases the human body, and exploits those who are lured into it due to desperation. It also encourages unhealthy, objectifying attitudes towards the opposite sex; it is naïve to suppose that pornography is a victimless crime. The victim is the very fabric of society itself.

As you can see, I’ve looked at both sides of the coin BRIEFLY…….

What do you think?

Pray for World Peace

So what do the figures stand at now exactly?

25,000 – 10,0000 – injured in iraq since 2003

113 – killed in lebanon in the last 10 days

1233 – civilians killed last summer in lebanon

5,000 – injured civilians killed last summer in lebanon

887 – military killed last summer in lebanon

512 – military wounded

This is happening all over the world, not just in Lebanon and Iraq………. help stop it, help put an end to it!

May the angels keep you till morning.
May they guide you through the night.
May they comfort all your sorrows.
May they help you win the fight.
May they keep watch on your soul.
May they show you better ways.
May they guard you while you’re sleeping.
May they see you through your days.
May they show you new hopes.
May they still your every doubt.
May they calm your every fear.
May they hear you when you shout.
May the angels keep you til morning.
More than this I cannot pray.
And if the angels ever fail you.
Then may God be there that day.

Why do we blog?

I truly believe that my blogging is an online journal, sometimes I don’t really care whether anyone reads it, it just feels so good to get all the things I’m thinking out of my lil head…….. it is nice when people reply and give advise or voice opinion and I appreciate that and it is also nice when sometimes people don’t say anything.

I started to blog because a lot of stuff had happened in my life and I felt that it was all in my head and that I needed to get it out….

Since blogging I feel much better, if I have a bad day; I blog about it, if I have a good day; I blog about it……

I know recently, since I returned home that is, I haven’t had much time to blog, but I am starting to again because as usual yes , problems have arisen! whoohoo! what’s new?!

Anyway, why do we blog? Why do you blog? Is it because you have so much to say but no one in your family will listen? Is it because your friends don’t ‘get you’?

Or do we do it just to see if we are ‘normal’ – to see if our thoughts and opinions, our worries in life are like everyone elses?

For me, I’m just trying to find my place in this world……

lovely song btw; Taylor Swift – A place in this world…

Accessorize and Glamourize!

Summer is just around the corner and as always there are a few products that are “must haves” for fun in the sun, 2007.

Swim suits seem to have gone back to, anything goes really, I did recently purchase a lil tankini, I think a lil last season, but handy for when you have had enough of sunbathin and want to head to the poolside bar…

I’m not entirely sure what this summers accessory is going to be…

I had thought – must have different coloured leggings under cute lil mini skirts but now im seeing so much 60’s stuff coming in especially now in June…

The sexy mini dress seem to be in right now, I hope they stay because I’m really loving wearing them! They are so retro! I love the fact that you can put on your favorite wedges or stiletto’s for a night on the town or you can throw on a pair of flip flops and head shopping! It’s great!

Euthanasia

If a person with a terminal illness is suffering unbearable pain and wishes to end his or her life, is it wrong to help?

Well, that’s why euthanasia, the intentional termination of life at the explicit request of that person, has been a hotly debated and controversial subject. Is it right or wrong? Moral or immoral? Murder or mercy?

What are your thoughts?

I mean I can see both sides; god gave us life not to end it…… however, did God intend for people to suffer???

Benign Intracranial Hypertension

Nearly two years ago I was diagnosed with Benign Intracranial Hypertension/Pseudocerebri Tumour.

Basically it is fluid on the brain that affects the optic nerves. Thankfully, I’ve been lucky and have only had to have three spinal taps.

I also suffer from Myalgic Encephalitis and have done so since the age of 13. Fortunately I don’t have any serious problems and I cope quite well.

I would be interested to hea

Contemporary Black Kitchenware

I came across this website http://www.drinkstuff.com

I found these beautiful glasses…

I think they are a must have for anyone’s kitchen!

They are so funky and retro – will be making a point of buying them..

They are not badly priced… £13.99 each.. a bit steep you might say for a glass – but for a funky glass – it’s pretty cheap!

Litvineko Murder

What exactly happened with this guy???

It turns out he was now part of MI6 ?!

A ‘russian british spy’ – what exactly goes on in our government?

It seems the British Government is turning into the American Governemnt – full of conspiracies!

Catholic Priest asking people to boycott their MP’s.

A catholic priest in England is asking people to boycott their MP’s if they support Abortion.

This is a much debated topic.

Personally, I agree with Abortion. I know that if it came down to it tho, I couldn’t myself ever have one, unless my child was to have severe disabilities, and by that I mean, a complete vegetated state.

I think this priest is wrong, I know the Catholic church and many religions don’t believe in abortion but this is a woman’s own decision.

A new pill to help people stop smoking?

Draft approval has been given for a drug, in tablet form, to stop the craving for cigarettes?

Will this work? It has been suggested that this will be available on the NHS free.

I’m quite interested in this, as a smoke, I’d be quite willing to be a guinea pig and try this..

I have cut down to one cigarette a day, hopefully, within the next month, I will have stopped completely.

1/5 children have met someone from the net!

Recent research in the UK has suggested that 1/5 children have met a complete stranger off the internet..

Children- below the age of 16 that is ….

Some of these kids also visit illicit sites….

Alot of parents have no idea what their children are doing on the net….

Do parents have full knowledge of what their kids are doing ?? Or are too many parents computer illiterate??

Is there a way to stop this?

How am I supposed to live without you?

”I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today….. I had to come and get it straight from you, you said you were leaving someone swept your heart away..from the look upon your face I’d say it’s true….” Michael Bolton

(The above song has been on repeat since I got to her house- 90 minutes ago)

So, recently I told you about my friend and this guy..

So, after months of ‘socialising’ with this guy, he tells her ‘he isn’t interested’.

They have cut all contact and to be honest, she isn’t coping the best! She feels like a whole part of her has vanished. I’ve returned to Ireland thinking it might help, me being there for her, might make her feel better, but it has infact only made her worse. Because, before she had no one to talk to about him, and now all she is does is exactly that and to me!

Talk about him……………… non stop.
She feels that he was her soulmate, and she feels that deep down he feels the same way..

So why can some men not stand up and say how they feel? Without tip toeing around the fact that they are also in love?

Why are men like this? Why were they genetically made this way?

I can honestly say, I know very few men who can come out and say how they feel!

So, we are heading out Saturday night, either to find her a new man, or…. to resolve the old love..

I’m really hoping that they do work things out, because they are very much in love, even an outsider can see that..

Where are the MEN!?

Big Brother 8 – officially going to be the weirdest and wackiest Big Brother ever..

These people should infact, ALL be put in a rehabilitation centre…….. they are complete nutcases!

anyone else think Channel 4 made a huge mistake putting 12 women in a house together – Watch the fireworks fly!

Talk about putting your foot in it!

Celebs tend to not think before they speak; here are a few things these silly idiots have been saying lately…….

Justin Timberlake

I’ve had a good share of the spotlight. I don’t feel I need too much of it right now

Jessica Simpson

I’ve always felt that my breasts disabled me from what I really wanted to do

( And we thought they’d made you famous? )

Johnny Depp

I’ll never get bored of Captain Jack – he is so much fun. If they wanted to do up to Pirates 7 – why not?

( oh pleaseeeee , give us some more of you!! )

Lindsay Lohan

I hate sleeping alone

(one word; TRAMP ???? – Isn’t Calum enough? )